Please give me another chance

Used to be a coward who just stay quiet all the time.
Wanted to talk to my classmates but was too afraid to open my mouth, thinking:"what should I say?" Feeling pain in the chest and feeling blood rushing into my brain.
"(hi)..." I wanted to say hi, but at the moment they look at me I swollow back everything, with my hand hanging in the middle of the air suddenly move towards my hair and quickly i'm brushing my hair walking past them.
Coming home crying, is this a mental problem?
I have this friend Benji, he is a really nice guy. Super nice and friendly. However he wasn't treaten fairly by me.
The very very first time he saw me is 2 months before we were in the same class. In KoonMing airport he said hi to me. However I'm blind as a bat but still refuse to wear glasses, I couldn't see him clearly(as he is waving to me). That is the first ignorance I've thrown to him, unconsciously.
He's a really good friend who tries to talk to me, however I always turn away. I am not doing that with purpose Benji, I just can't go through myself. I'm sorry, Benji.
i met with this person whom I admire very much. Although we were in the same year, however we were never in the same class. He is an intelligent student who stays in a rather top class since Form 1. This is that one person that just happen to stand out in my life among the crowd, who had attracted me everything from the way he smile, the way he stand, the way he talks, one word -fasinated; although he is just a stranger to me. I've never know him much besides his name. Looking at him somehow gives me a blissful sensation. A weird chemistry, and I'm a very lucky person to have encountered it for once in my life. Maybe its called love at first sight.
God do take care of me as well, very much. As how much I wanted to see him all the time and to know him, finally in a tuition class he sat just beside me. Throughout the 2 years. I could have open my mouth and talk to him, to be his friend, to know him. However it never happen. No matter how much I've memorised and writting myself a script :"just talk to him like this, according to this note you've prepared. That's all! Just talk like a normal friend! This is your chance!"
Friends have tried to help me, many times. However until the very last moment I let myself down. And the other person. I am just too afraid to talk to him and to be his friend. Suddenly i take myself off this very chance. Going home feeling with great stupidity I've cried. For years i've wanted to know him but when God gave me the chance, I've run away from that very important 1 minute. A great dissapointment. I'm sorry.
I hate that cowardliness that has live with me for this 20 years. I couldn't defend myself during childhood when a little girl accused me of bullying her and made me ended up locked in the toilet by the kindergarten teacher(that is actually illegal). Cowardliness eats me up when i wanted to make friends. Cowardliness made me take up responsibility for mistakes that were not my fault. Cowardliness became an obstacle for me to grow up. Cowardliness hypocritely, comforting me to cry out after I've fallen into his traps.
^^. After these 2 years, thanks to daddy mommy for giving me a chance for a journey of searching myself. Did I manage to get rid of Cowardliness? Did I win the battle? Yup. I guess I won.
After going through this long essay type blog, there is just one thing left related to the whole story:
Could you please give me the second chance again to be your friend? former classmates I've contact back(Benji, Wei Hoe, Siang Fen, etc)? Could you please be my guidance and companion along my journey even if it only last for a short period of time?
And the final thing: I will never want to let anyone whom next pass by my journey of life feeling down and dissapointed.