Changes. Evolve. Improvement.

How should I put these down to words?

During Form 1 looking at PMR, I tell myself, it is going to be difficult for at least a 6 As aim.

During Form 4 looking back at PMR, I tell myself, it was so easy.

And again during Form 4 looking at SPM, I tell myself again, that is going to be hard, for an aim with at least 7 As.

Looking back at SPM when I entered college, I don't think it could be 'so difficult' as like what I used to think. It look merely like a passport for me to enter the College, and get recognise by the relatives and friends around saying: 'Not bad oh your result. Ok lah, you look like a smart person.'

And that me looking at them grinning, a sense of satisfaction in my heart. 'Yes, I think I am alright.'

And now looking through these memories, it's merely a small laugh, and I have no sense of satisfiying over my 'OK OK' result in PMR nor SPM anymore. I cannot be content myself by using my SPM result to apply for a job, and feeling proud about it.

_________
Looking back at the books, reading some criminal, some fantasy, some science fic novels, without realising hours past and I'm indulge in these stories, looking through pages as if I'm watching a movie, colourful screen with great sound effect. I saw the characters, I saw the scenes.

Back in 7 years ago, I read a book with a dictionary beside me, high lighting the words I do not understand, and search for the meanings. Then I jot down these unfamiliar words in my little note book, where I will try to memorise these words over and over again before I sleep, I remember them within a week time, however, I'll forget about them again on the following week. Frustrated and tiring, reading has not been an enjoyable moment for me. I cannot picture the whole story, struggling through a page or 2 using my 1 hour of time. I am the eldest in the family, and my parents have limited knowledge in English, I've learned since young to consult a dictionary whenever I am doubt, until now. Writing an essay is a torture for me, with millions of grammatical error until now I am not too sure of which of those are right or wrong. Haha.. maybe you really can't teach an old dog new tricks.

During the learning process, I go around asking people what is the boundary of learning a language? To what extent I should be proud of my own achievement? Once there's this elder relative of mine advice me to learn every single vocabulary in a dictionary. I've tried doubtly, but I don't think I even been through the 'A' part halfway. With so many things else to learn and do in a day it makes impossible for me. Still, this idea still stick to me.

Through my 2nd year of Chemical & Process Engineering Undergraduate course, I meet with an experienced and steady lecturer, a Doctor. Like any old and wise, with combination of being exposed to engineering knowledge almost twice my age, he speak of the rational and informative ideas and experiences. I ask him a question, 'Should I understand all the engineering principles when I graduated? Should I flip a book study them and say, ah! I see. Emm, I know how these all work. Since engineering course is such a short course, within 3 years time, I doubt so. Now even it has been halfway in my second year, I still look so clueless and uncertain.'

Then he ask me have I heard people saying that when a person goes to work, he may not even apply 75% of what he'd learn in his course? I nod, yes I've heard working people in relative field told me that. He says I could try to go through all the books as that will definately enhance my knowledge. However, the main point of being an engineer is to understand how to apply a principle and put it in use. How to read from a graph ranging from a LOG graph to multiple information in one graph, understanding what they represent and how to put them into reality function is the crucial point. Books, there are millions. Methods, there are thousands in the same process. And with technology advancement, new methods and alternative of how an ancient process or method may age with time, or may evolve with time.

'True.' I'm thinking to myself. He's trying to tell me that by understanding every single thing and being an expert still beats no experiences. Years may be wasted on words and theories staring at you, however the best method and effective way in a process out of so many millions method still beats no real experiences. I still doubt him very much at that point, and I doubt myself very much after I graduated. Maybe I could see these clearer when I start a job in this field. Well, time tells, I think I will come back to this at the point I get a job.

It comes back to the same as understanding a language. Through frequently reading and guessing a word from the whole sentence do help a lot. I thought I've long forgotten those words however they all come back to me when I read them again in a sentence. I found a satisfactory answer when I watch a show on an English vocabulary quiz where English go for the game. And proves that no one might understand every single vocabulary in his mothertougue.

Changes is a weird thing. It slip across you without you realising it.